Piranhas eat penises
Christians fantasize being put on trial
By Stacey Warde
As local Christians recently gloried in grand illusions of martyrdom, men in Papua New Guinea bled to death after piranha-like fish ate their penises.
And somewhere an ex-con, with little training and even less hope for success, struggled to make it on the outside after his release from prison, facing worse hardships, you can imagine, than going on trial for being a Christian.
Christians are funny people, given their martyr-like obsessions with being put on trial for their beliefs. But there it was, the marquee at Cayucos Community Church: “If you were on trial for being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict?”
Let’s hope so, because as I understand it true religion is this: “To visit orphans and widows in their distress.” We could also add what Jesus said, “as you’ve done it to the least of these (read prisoners, whores, lowlifes), you’ve done it to me.”
So, we’ll throw out this challenge for Christians who want to imagine themselves on trial: When’s the last time you visited a prisoner, aided orphans and widows, or befriended a whore? When’s the last time you carried God’s banner of love to bring peace into the world?
Often, what passes for “Christian” in today’s American vernacular could just as easily read, “Blowhard with a Bible.” Whatever happened to those Christians who used to celebrate life and who imagined a world filled with God’s love?
For more views on these issues, see David Ochs’ poem, “Jesus Christ Superstar” on page 5, and the commentary, “Jesus makes me laugh” on page 6.
We’re thrilled to introduce new writer, Antonio C. de Baca, recently released from prison, whose story, “Getting Out,” wonderfully illustrated by Martin Shields, tells of the impossible odds of surviving on the outside.
De Baca writes of his hero Carlos, “With nothing but his clothes, he faced the cold reality of the world that gives nothing to anyone for free.” It’s a scary prospect for a man used to being corralled by guards, and locked in a cell day after day for 10 years.
And frankly, these challenges are far greater than any that our Christian friends at the local church might imagine for themselves for simply being a believer.
Yes, in the U.S. the outlook is bleak for prisoners returning to life on the outside. What options do they have? Who’s most likely to give them the support they need to make it?
You’ll find out in de Baca’s story, the first in a series, which starts on page 15.
In fairness to our Bible-toting friends, their presence in the prison system did make it possible for “Life in the Cage” columnist Tito David Valdez Jr. to get a regular gig with Adam Carolla on CBS Radio.
Against impossible odds, and after hundreds of splices, endless hours of recording and editing, David put together a recorded presentation, which he smuggled out of prison and eventually placed in the hands of Carolla who regularly interviews David on his show at CBS Radio.
For more on the story, turn to page 7.
Americans love their prisons. We keep building more of them, and incarcerating more prisoners. Not a beacon of hope for people who treasure their freedom.
If you had any doubts about where you stand as a citizen, check out Matthew Rothschild’s latest book, “You Have No Rights: Stories of America in an Age of Repression.”
Rothschild, editor of The Progressive magazine, will be visiting San Luis Obispo on August 14 to discuss the subject matter of his book. You can hear Matthew on the radio with Dave Congalton and yours truly at 4 p.m. on KVEC 920 that day.
He’ll also be appearing later that evening at 7 at the San Luis Obispo City-County Library. KCBX’s Guy Rathbun will interview Matthew on Wednesday, August 8, at 6:30 p.m. Visit the station websites for more details.
If someone had challenged me to stick my penis into a fish tank with a piranha, like anyone with half a brain, I’d have to think twice about it.
Some people don’t know what they’re getting into, like those prickless wonders who decided that it would be prudent to attack Iraq, and like the foolhardy tough guy who thought, “What could a little fish like that do?”
Ed Frawley—not to be confused with his musically friendly son Ed, who owns Central Coast Music in Morro Bay—put up the challenge a few years back in a Dong Dipping event at his pawn shop in Whittier.
You can imagine what happened. Another disaster like Iraq? Well, in case you ever consider doing something stupid like dipping your dong where it doesn’t belong, just keep in mind that piranhas do eat penises.
In a recent report from Port Moresby, two Papua New Guinea “fishermen bled to death after their penises were bitten off by piranha-like river fish.”
The hungry fish sniffed out the urine trail dribbling from the unsuspecting fishermen’s shorts, swimming up to the source and then “biting it off with their razor-sharp teeth.”
To find out what happens in the Dong Dipping contest at Ed’s Whittier pawn shop, turn to our Rogue of the Month on page 21.
For a man, of course, a penis is more than just one of those peripherals that you hear about when ordering parts for your car. Nonetheless, what’s any of us to do without our peripherals, the parts that are located away from where the center of where the action is, like the hands and feet, and the nose or mouth?
Or, if you’re driving a car, things like blinkers, lights, windshield wipers, and pads. You get the idea.
Window washer Ben Leroux turns off the highway to find a reliable mechanic to put brakes, already purchased and ready to go, on his Plymouth. But the presumably simple task turns into an agonizing chore. For more, turn to page 10.
In keeping with our Christian theme, we pay homage to our oversized sisters who visit prisoners in their distress, as Jesus recommends, but who can’t seem to squeeze themselves into a San Luis Obispo cab on a day when the mercury rises above 100 degrees.
See “Cabby’s Corner” on page 13.
And we bow before those pre-Christian goddesses who ran naked through the streets, before priests decided to burn them at the stake, to celebrate the fecundity of life that grows in the womb and in the fields of harvest. We welcome newcomer, Allyson Hardman, who reports on her introduction to the world of kink in “Fear and flogging in Las Vegas” on page 17.
If ever I go on trial for being a Christian and I’m found guilty, I’d like to be spanked by Allyson Hardman. §
Stacey Warde is editor of The Rogue Voice. He can be reached at email@example.com.